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Stories you can use to start conversation or to add interest to speeches or presentations


Resources for Speakers - Anecdotes About Women and Wives





Need more quotes? Extracts from Books on Women you can pretend to have read

Women and IQ

The higher a woman's IQ, less likely she is to be married. With men, every 16pt rise in IQ increases chance of marriage by a third, but for women it's the opposite - 40% less likely, because men prefer wives to be less intelligent then themselves

Women and Words

In her 2006 book "The Female Brain," for example, Louann Brizendine reported that women average 20,000 words a day against just 7,000 for men. That came as no surprise to many in the media; as one TV reporter put it: "Here's a news flash. Women talk more than men. Duh." But Liberman tracked Brizendine's figures to an unsourced claim in a self-help book and noted that the empirical research shows both sexes using about the same number of words in a day. Duh! yourself.



Women Becoming More Beautiful

Scientists have found that evolution is driving women to become ever more beautiful, while men remain as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors. The researchers have found beautiful women have more children than their plainer counterparts and that a higher proportion of those children are female (the most attractive parents were 26% less likely to have sons). Those daughters, once adult, also tend to be attractive and so repeat the pattern. In men, by contrast, good looks appear to count for little, with handsome men being no more successful than others in terms of numbers of children. This means there has been little pressure for men's appearance to evolve.or women, looks are much less important in a man than his ability to look after her when she is pregnant and nursing, periods when women are vulnerable to predators. Historically this has meant rich men tend to have more wives and many children. So the pressure is on men to be successful.

Complimenting Women

It is a problem that has troubled men since the dawn of time: what is the safest thing to say to a woman by way of a compliment? If flattery is laid on with too large a trowel, the flatterer's motives will be suspected. Yet a half-hearted compliment is no compliment at all. Many men will no doubt welcome a new survey which offers advice on this matter. According to this research, they should avoid telling women they look 'well' (she'll think you mean 'fat'). They should avoid the word 'curvy' (she'll think you mean 'fat'). They should never describe a dress as 'figure-hugging' (sorry, chaps, 'fat' again). And never, ever say she looks so like her mother (not only 'fat' but old, too). Apparently the thing a woman most wants to hear are those three little words, "You've lost weight." Who'd have thought it?

Complimenting Women

Overheard in the checkout lane: "Mum can I have some money to buy a drink?" "What's the magic word?" "You're thin and beautiful". Out comes the purse.

Jail A Holiday

German woman who chose 3 month jail term rather than pay parking fine, when she realized meant a 90 'holiday' from 'demanding' kids and 'lazy' husband

Women Drivers

From a police report: An officer in line at a traffic light, realizing that cars had not moved through two light changes, walked up to the lead car to investigate. The driver said she was not able to move on the green lights because she was still on the phone and thus driving off would be illegal. The officer said a brief lecture improved the woman's understanding of the law.

Women In Films

Bridesmaids is also being celebrated as a rare example of a movie that aces the Bechdel Test, a means of examining films for gender bias that often makes Hollywood seem shockingly misogynistic. The test poses three questions: Does a movie contain two or more female characters who have names? Do those characters talk to each other? And, if so, do they discuss something other than a man?

Learnin' Women

A learned professor pointed out (in 1873) "Too much scholarship shunts women's blood from the uterus to the brain, rendering them irritable and infertile."

Saving Women

St Wildefortis mentioned in Angela's Ashes as the saint that desperate wives pray to: she was apparently a good-looking wench who attracted the eye of the King of Sicily, and who proposed marriage. She, however, wanted to be a nun, and prayed to God to help her. He answered her prayers by providing her with a beard and a squint, which made the King think twice. Her father didn't stop to think, however, and crucified her for disappointing him

What Women Care About

Judging by the covers of women's magazines, the two topics women are primarily interested in are 1) men are all disgusting pigs 2) best ways to catch one

When Women Rule

Hungarian village World War I - all the men conscripted and taken off to fight, leaving women to run farms and businesses. A POW camp built nearby, the enemy soldiers let out to work as labourers for the women. As you'd expect, liaisons developed. But, the women had the absolute whip hand. If they chose to take other lovers, none could complain or they'd be confined to the camp. Eventually this idyllic state of affairs (if you'll excuse the pun) came to an end when, sadly, the war finished. The menfolk returned to their village, but found their women radically changed. In the next 5 years, more than half the men of the village died suddenly. The women later revealed that they'd found a way of concocting a cumulative dose of poison from wallpaper paste.

Men and Women

TV program on difference between men and women - got audience to draw a bicycle. The men's versions were complete - their bikes had wheels, seat, pedals and a chain. The women left things out, but almost all the women's drawings included a rider, but none of the men's did.

Women's Bras

THE bra market is expanding, literally. Up to 40 per cent of Australian women now buy bras with a cup size of DD or higher, new figures from lingerie suppliers show. In the 1950s, the most common bra-cup size was a B - three sizes less than a DD. Modern breasts are getting so large that some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K, The Sunday Telegraph reports. Experts blame the cleavage boost on obesity, contraceptive pills and artificial hormones.

Women's Bras for Little Girls

Young girls "grow up" prematurely, often aided by hungry retailers such as the U.S.'s Abercrombie & Fitch and the British clothiers Primark, and Matalan, each of which this spring began offering lines of padded bras for girls as young as seven (eight at Abercrombie & Fitch for the "Ashley Push-Up Triangle"), with Matalan offering one in size "28aa.". Child advocates were predictably disgusted, with one Los Angeles psychologist opining that permissive mothers were trying to compensate through their daughters for their own lack of sexual appeal.

Women and Ethical Porn

In Japan, the porn channel Paradise TV runs an annual telethon called 24 Hour TV: Eroticism Saves the Earth, now in its eighth year. Charity-minded men donate 1,000 yen for a chance to fondle the breasts of their favourite topless newscaster, while in a happy confirmation of that recurring national stereotype auctions for porn actresses' underwear can fetch up to 50,000 yen. Last year it raised two million yen.

Books About Women

Michael Silverstein was in town to discuss his new book, written with Kate Sayre, Women Want More: How to Capture Your Share of the World's Largest, Fastest-Growing Market. To write it, he and Sayre mined data supplied by twelve thousand women who responded to a B.C.G. questionnaire asking about their spending and saving preferences, their work habits, and their more personal satisfactions. As a result, Silverstein was equipped to scatter his conversation with such alarming statistics as "Globally, thirty-eight per cent of men don't do chores" and "Thirty per cent of American women who are married do not intend to be with the man they are with five years from now."

Plastic Surgery and Women

(A woman testifying about her violent husband, after he was found beaten to death in a hotel bedroom) ... The 2002 report, released this week, refers to several bizarre elements about the Novacks' life together, including what happened to Narcisa Novack after she said her husband broke her nose. She told police that he took her to a plastic surgeon to repair her nose and when she woke up after the surgery she had breast implants she hadn't asked for, the report says. "While she contends this was done against her will, she never made a complaint to anyone," the report says.

Women and Female Mid-Life Crisis

Some pose coquettishly alongside their lookalike teenage daughters - translation: "We could be sisters" and the more extreme cases appear in magazine articles where you have to guess which is the child and which the parent (clue: the child is the one without the nose veins). I was once shown a beach snap in which both daughter and mother were topless and holding matching cocktails. One was 21 and the other 53. The female midlife crisis used to be a hidden, silent beast but now it has come roaring out of the closet with an ankle tattoo, a tummy tuck and a wardrobe full of Topshop clothing. The internet is its accomplice, allowing women to live out their second youth and attention-seek to their hearts' content. The midlife crisis syndrome also causes blurring of maternal boundaries, leading some fiftysomethings to toss back their hair extensions and sigh "we're actually more like best friends than mother and daughter".

Women and Female Mid-Life Crisis

A middle-aged journalist wrote recently of her revulsion that a divorced friend had started to flirt with her 17-year-old son, leching over his body and asking if he was 'spoken for'. If the situation were reversed, she reflected, and fortysomething male friends propositioned her teenage daughter, it would be classed as sexual assault.

Women and Female Mid-Life Crisis

We laugh at ageing men who buy a Ferrari and tease their comb-over into a straggling ponytail look. Don't let's totter down the same path in our "f**k me" shoes. Otherwise we may as well jump aboard that Trafalgar Square plinth and stand there wearing a too tight T-shirt bearing the slogan "Little Mrs Desperate".

Women and Their Cars

On a hot July 2005 day in Stamford, Conn., firefighters not only had to break a car window but overcome the car's owner, who couldn't bear to see her Audi A4 damaged. The 23-month-old son of Susan Guita Silverstein, 42, had been accidentally locked inside, along with the key, for at least 20 minutes on a weltering, 88-degree day. Silverstein (who was later charged with reckless endangerment) begged firefighters to wait so she could go home and retrieve her spare key, to save her window.

Barbie Doll Women

Ms. Blondie Bennett (her recently-acquired real name), 38, is not just a California model selling provocative "Barbie doll" photos of herself online (featuring her recently-augmented 32JJ breast implants). She is at work on a longer-range project to remake herself completely as a human Barbie doll--to include the popular critique that Barbie represents not only bodily perfection but mindlessness. Bennett said she has had 20 hypnotherapy sessions to "help" her appear more confused and vacant, according to news reports. "I want people to see me as a plastic sex doll, and being brainless is a big part of that." She said she is doing well, in that she recently got lost driving to her mother's house.

Lighter Conversation Starters About Women

I can tell when women don't like me. They go "That's the man, officer!"
The trouble with her is she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech
She looked like she'd been poured into her clothes and forgotten to say when.
Women's breasts are like train sets - they're meant for kids but usually it's the fathers that wind up playing with them
Women are like pigeons - they should never be looked up to
A diplomat is a man who sends 25 roses for her 31st birthday
I'm only interested in my wife's happiness and in fact I've hired a detective to find out who's responsible
First she fakes chastity, then she fakes orgasm, and now fakes fidelity
Every man needs a woman for love comfort and sympathy - preferably at 3 different addresses
Fred's lucky - he's got a wife and a TV and they both work
Betty I missed you yesterday. Come back and let me have another shot.
If you think women are the weaker sex try pulling the blankets back to your side

Conversation Topic

Men's rule of thumb: If it flies floats or fucks you should rent it, not buy it.
Woman's rule of thumb: If it's got tyres or testicles you're going to have trouble with it.

Women

There are a number of mechanical devices which can increase sexual arousal in a woman. Chief among these is a Mercedez convertible

Talking About Women

It's not difficult to make a woman happy!!
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4 a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little for himself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying abou! t where she goes
54. give the authority but never expect her to be responsible
55. give her the last word no matter what the cost to your life and limb
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO :
54. Never, never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Fix him something to eat
3. Bring Beer

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death "

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