When my parents get too old to take care of themselves, screw the nursing home -- I'm going to plant 2 kilos of coke on them and call the DEA. That should get them 20 years of free care.
A relative of mine, whose son lives abroad, was recently checked into a home in Hampshire and the bill is £1,200 a week. That's more than it costs to rent a balcony room on the Queen Mary 2. It's considerably more than it costs to send a child to Eton. And unlike Eton, the old people's home in question does not have to run several football pitches and fives courts. It does not have a large chapel and hundreds of classrooms that must be heated and lit. There are no teachers on thousands of pounds a month. It's just a bed and a telly with a bit of not very exciting food.
Let's think about that. Every penny you'e ever saved, every cent you've ever invested, every pound in every old jacket pocket will not go to the government or your children. In reality, it will go to the owner of the old people's home where you end up living. And all you can do, all day long, if you still have enough marbles, is hope and pray that you dwindle to nothingness before your savings. I find that rather frightening. That one day the owner of an old people's home will milk the guilt of my children and suck me dry.
My generation, the postwar baby-boomers, are over the meridian of our vital parabolas. We've done our best and our worst, overachieved and underperformed, are either preparing to bask on the sun loungers of our success or suck our bruised fingers in the waiting rooms of failure.
Baby boomers hate the idea of 'retirement homes' - they want 'alternative lifestyle homes' 5 star luxury housing by the golf course or beach.
47% people over age of 85 have some form Alzheimers - and the number of people in this age group is set to treble in next 50 years
Centenarians have nothing in common except attitude - they retain optimism and sense of humour all the time - no matter what disasters or hardships
For the last 50 years, average life expectancy has increased by two years every decade. If this keeps up, half of all children born after 2000 will live to be 100. Big problem with this is that people underestimate how long they will live, and how much savings they will need.
A Brooklyn woman named Susannah Mushatt Jones recently became the world’s oldest person, one of just two living souls born in the 19th century. On July 6, she turned 116. Her stock answer to the secret of longevity is delightful and, you’d hope, replicable: She eats four slices of bacon every morning.
About 20 percent of Japan's adult-video market is now "elder porn" with each production featuring one or more studly seniors and Shigeo Tokuda, 76, among the most popular. He told Toronto's Globe and Mail in October  that he still "performs" physically "without Viagra," in at least one role a month opposite much younger women. His wife and adult daughter learned only two years ago, by accident, of his late-onset career (which began at age 60 when a filmmaker hired him for his "pervert's face"). Tokuda figures the "elder porn" genre will grow with Japan's increasing senior population.
.... his ambition is to be taken on as a “gentleman host” in the ballroom, a chap given the task of entertaining lonely widows with his cha-cha-cha. He got some advice from a shipmate on how to handle female interest at sea. “There’s one thing you’ve got to get right,” he said. “You have to be able to tell the difference between passion and an asthma attack.”
Dickens published a number of books, including A Calmer Sutra for “those in the afternoon of their lives,” noting in the blurb: “There’s no point whispering seductively in your partner’s ear if she hasn’t got her hearing aid turned on. And sometimes it’s his Zimmer frame that’s pleased to see you.”
Pensions are forever - the American Civil War ended over 140 years ago but the US Government is still paying 3 widows pensions from that war - women who, in their 20's, married 80 or 90 year old vets. Now in THEIR 90's, they still collect
Christmas story about staff of rest home who thought they'd brighten up the old dears xmas by dressing up as angels. But efforts not appreciated by oldies who thought they'd wakened up in heaven and were mightily put out when found not true
Gran got tired of shopping for grandchildren so decided to send them money for xmas. On every card she wrote "Buy your own present" and sent them off. After xmas she got round to tidying up her desk and found the pile of gift cheques she'd forgotten to enclose.
How do you tell whether you're 'middle-aged'? Do you make grunting noises when you get up from the couch? Do you spend hours looking for tings you just put down? Do you fall asleep in front of TV at 8.30? Do you need a physio after any outdoor exercise (beach volleyball, jazzercise, al fresco sex)?
Elsa Seman, 71, was shot and killed in North Versailles, Pa., in September, when she was mistaken for a prowler. According to police, Seman had gone to the home of her ex-boyfriend at night and, dressed in black, commando-style, was lying in wait in his yard, with a pistol, intending to kill him. A neighbor called in the report of a prowler, and a police officer arriving at the scene fatally shot Seman.
They're usually associated with Wags and glamour models, but 83-year-old Marie Kolstad from California didn't let age stereotypes stop her from splashing out £5,000 on breast implants. Kolstad said that she had reached a point in life where 'your breasts go in one direction and your brain goes in another'. She added: 'You have to keep your appearance physically, even if you just want someone to ask you to dinner. That's not going to happen if you don't have a figure that these geezers are looking for.'
Not Too Sickly for a Career in Bank Robbery: Police in southern California know what the man looks like (from surveillance video)but have not yet apprehended the well-dressed, 70ish man who has robbed four banks since August. The man has shown special dexterity to pull off the robberies, since he is on oxygen and has to carry around his own tank
Gerontologists have observed that, when fish tanks are introduced into a nursing home, residents congregate to watch the fish; this not only sparks more conversation among the residents but also encourages healthier eating.
A woman has real age and bikini age according to British Sun newspaper Bikini age is determined by answers to questions like:
Do your breasts
(a) point skyward (b) point straight out ( c) sag?
Are your thighs
(a) like silk (b) orange peel (c ) lumpy porridge ?
How many inches can you pinch at the waist
(a) 1 or 2 (b) fistful (c ) Lets not talk about it
Animal studies suggest that diets low in calories and rich in unsaturated fatty acids (UFA) are beneficial for cognitive function in age. Here, we tested in a prospective interventional design whether the same effects can be induced in humans. Fifty healthy, normal- to overweight elderly subjects (29 females, mean age 60.5 years, mean body mass index 28 kg/m2) were stratified into 3 groups: (i) caloric restriction (30% reduction), (ii) relative increased intake of UFAs (20% increase, unchanged total fat), and (iii) control.
Before and after 3 months of intervention, memory performance was assessed under standardized conditions. We found a significant increase in verbal memory scores after caloric restriction (mean increase 20%; P < 0.001), which was correlated with decreases in fasting plasma levels of insulin and high sensitive C-reactive protein, most pronounced in subjects with best adherence to the diet (all r values < −0.8; all P values <0.05). Levels of brain-derived neurotrophic factor remained unchanged. No significant memory changes were observed in the other 2 groups.
This interventional trial demonstrates beneficial effects of caloric restriction on memory performance in healthy elderly subjects. Mechanisms underlying this improvement might include higher synaptic plasticity and stimulation of neurofacilitatory pathways in the brain because of improved insulin sensitivity and reduced inflammatory activity. Our study may help to generate novel prevention strategies to maintain cognitive functions into old age.
If your parents died young, you will probably die young as well. This even applies to accidents and suicide. Longevity is dominated by heredity.
The biggest factor in whether you will live longer or shorter than your parents is how much you are like them, that is, your dominant genes, and how many recessive genes have expressed themselves in you but not them.