Stories you can use to start conversation or to add interest to speeches or presentations

Resources for Speakers - Anecdotes About Insults

Insulting The Very Short

The Speaker, who admits to being vertically challenged, is believed to be 5ft 6in. But I do not think that even makes him the shortest man in the Commons. (By the way, the man with the shortest name is Tim Yeo and no one abuses him.) The plot took an unexpected twist a few months ago when the Prime Minister, of all people, repeated a joke told by the minister in which he backs into Mr Bercow’s car. “I’m not Happy,” the Speaker said. “Well which one are you then?” came back the reply. Cue uproarious laughter.

Racial Sneer Insults

Clement Freud, British Liberal MP and writer, grandson of Sigmund Freud and younger brother of artist Lucian, did little to endear himself to Australians: "In England, many men take social pleasures with women beneath their social station. As it must be difficult to find anyone beneath the social status of an Australian, you could be missing out on a lot of fun."

(Anyone can unleash a string of swear words - it takes class to deliver a put-down with a bit of style )

General Insults

I despise you! I loath the ground under which you burrow!
He's not such a bad person until you get to know him
He's been like a son to me - rude, insolent and ungrateful
If I've offended you with what I have to say, I want you to know, that IDGAF

Writers are interesting people but often mean and petty
He writes for the ages - the ages between 8 and 12.
He was born on April 2. A day late.
He has the midas touch. Everything he touches turns to muffler.
Don't look now but there's too many people in this room and I think it's you.

Insults implying mental incapacity

The outpatients are out in force tonight I see
I think your problem is low self-esteem - it's very common amongst losers
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you - he really is an idiot!
A mind that wandered so much it came back with souvenirs
He's an inspiration to us all - lets face it - if he can make it, so can any dickhead
What's the climate like on your planet?
He used to be clueless, but he turned that around 360 degrees
You should be on a motorway bridge waving at people - how did you find your way in here?
Isn't it sad when cousins marry?
Idea of an artistic experience is a musical doorbell
Keep taking the tablets
What he lacks in intelligence he makes up in stupidity
Vocabulary is small but the turnover's terrific
Maybe you're just bursting with fecalmatter.
Don't let the extra chromosome get you down.

Insults Implying drunkenness

why don't you talk to the wall - that's plastered as well

Insults Implying physical shortcomings

conceit - gods gift to short men
she had 2 expressions - joy and indigestion
I've never seen such a small mind inside such a big head
I was going to call him a bastard but he's too ugly to be a love child

Insults Implying undesirable sexual habits

so conceited he calls out his own name when he wanks
he'd fuck a hedeghog if it didn't have spikes
save your breath - you'll need it to blow up your date

Insults Courtesy Blackadder

nothing wrong with him that reincarnation wouldn't fix
he's got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle
there's the aristocracy, the upper class, the middle class, the working class, dumb animals, waiters, creeping things, head lice. Then there's you Baldrick
you're as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears-only club. 've lost closer friends than him the last time I was deloused. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. Most of the infantry think you're a prat. Ask them who they'd prefer to meet - Squadron Commander Flashheart or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen and they'd go for Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop every time.

the time for action is past - now is the time for senseless bickering
these experiences have made me what I am today - an angry bitter man obsessed with revenge


Book Extracts on Insults